I’ve started bullet journaling and it’s really helping me prioritize my daily tasks so I’m more productive. I needed the help. I too often find myself sticking things I need to get done or want to accomplish in the future on arbitrary lists in tracking apps that may or may not get much attention. Now I’ve been writing out plans daily, and doing the work of reminding & prioritizing myself. This was on my list today: BLOG POST – SOMETHING. As soon as I hit “Publish” I get to experience the (surprisingly strong) satisfaction of checking off that task in my journal. Happy New Year!
I tend to second guess my plans… quite a lot sometimes, which is why it’s hard for me to post consistently on this blog. I usually talk myself out of it. Lately, I’ve been thinking of posting and then getting stuck because half of me really wants to write about a movie I liked or a recipe I tried, but then the other half of me is frozen in after-election despair wondering, “Is there anything I can share that won’t feel inappropriately lackluster?” Not a helpful thought, I know. I’ve dealt with anxiety before but never this constant or concrete. It’s a struggle. But the attitude that we should give up on sharing the stuff of everyday life because there’s work to be done is not helpful. Sharing is part of the work… Publish!
Writing about something creates a record of your truth at that moment. That’s a hard thing for me since I’ve never been very forgiving of change or mistakes. So I struggle with this box when it comes to sharing about my life. It’s way easier to post a photo of my food or talk about a TV show while keeping most of myself off record. (Plus, I am an unabashed over-editor, which makes it harder to hit “Publish.”) But that’s hardly helpful (or healthy). And I’ve been helped a lot over the years by the personal writings of strangers on the internet who are braver than I am.
So this is me posting something personal because I want this space to be more personal, and to reflect who/where/what I am more than it does now. I don’t know what that looks like yet but if it’s messy/uncomfortable/confusing, this is me saying that’s okay.
I had a hard weekend. I moved to a new city four years ago to get on a better path and infuse some momentum into my life. After two jobs, a financial level-up, and a year in therapy, I think I accomplished some positive growth, and I’m proud of that. But there are some lingering not-so-good parts of my life that feel, well, terrible right now.
It took me a long time to get to know myself and start making real, deliberate decisions. I’ve spent too much time feeling lost and like I was pretending in most situations. I don’t want to do that anymore, but big change doesn’t happen fast, so it’s like I’m straddling this line every day between living as myself and for the things I want, and still being stuck in this life of misguided past choices. It’s tough but I’m working on it and staying as positive as I can. It’s just scary and sometimes I have a hard weekend.