Tag: Personal

The Light & Dark of It

The Light & Dark of It

It’s a new week. And I’m still here.

  • Yesterday morning I missed a crucial left turn driving to work, so I had to drive about 10 minutes out of my way to turn around. I’ve never missed that turn.
  • My eyes have been sort of twitching on and off for over a week now. At first I thought it was something with my contacts, but then I stopped wearing my contacts…
  • I’ve been going to bed about an hour later and waking up about 30-45 minutes earlier every day for the past couple of weeks.
  • Lately, I feel perpetually behind on tasks and over-booked for activities. Nothing feels easy.
  • I forgot my office keys at home today too. I’ve never forgotten my office keys.

It’s a new week. And I want to be here.

  • Despite feeling exhausted, I’ve been setting time aside each day to draw, read, or work on a project I enjoy.
  • I’ve also been making time to just sit and watch something that makes me laugh, like Tiffany Haddish telling a story, or 30 Rock episodes on Netflix.
  • I’ve also been making time daily for 10 minutes of mindful meditation. Overall, this is beneficial, but specifically it helps me check-in with my brain & make sure I’m not telling myself too many negative stories.
  • Yoga with Adriene – 7 minute stress relief, remains essential to my weeks.
  • I decided to start therapy again to work on myself more. I realized last week that I have told three people this month about how much therapy has helped me manage my anxiety, so I’m going to take my own advice, and reach out for another source of help. We’re not alone.

Going Rogue

I had my hair cut a few weeks ago. I left it a little longer than usual since I’ll be in a wedding next month in which I need my hair to…do upward things. The stylist who cut my hair remarked on how naturally shiny it was (thanks!) and how my one streak of gray hair across the top on one side was “very specific.” (thanks?)

I felt compelled to explain:

“I first noticed gray in that area when I was just 13. Someone pointed it out at school one day. I think it might be hereditary from my grandmother, but she never quite confirmed.”

“Did you experience a traumatic event when you were younger? I don’t want to pry, but they say that’s why a gray streak like that happens.”

I instinctively answered, “No.” I wasn’t lying, but that reply didn’t feel comfortable. In general, I had an unstable childhood with some periods of extreme dysfunction. Until going through a year of therapy in 2015-16, I never thought of any of it as “trauma.” But now…I do. All the stress I lived with could have caused an extreme physical change, but I’ll never be sure.

Although I have dyed my hair pretty regularly through the years, I never let my gray hair bother me too much. As a teen, I always thought of my particular gray streak as sort of a much less obvious Rogue-from-the-X-Men-type marking. I’ve worked hard to get past a lot of the issues that lingered from my childhood.  So for now, I think I’ll stick with that very cool and totally culturally relevant way of thinking about it.

Photo Credit: IMDB